I've been doing some thinking lately. I've been pretty down on myself and disappointed in myself. I haven't really brought it up to anyone, not even my own husband. I'm not down about my life or anything. I love my life.. I just feel like some things are missing. My family is famous for their drama, and because of it, I miss out on my brothers life and my niece's life. My brother and his wife haven't liked me for some time now, so I've kind of grown used to it, but I am not very close to my little sister anymore either. At one point, I thought my little sister knew she could come to me about anything, and I hope that to this day, she still knows that. Just because we are about a thousand miles apart, I don't want her to think I wouldn't be there for her. Last year, I used to hang out with my sister quite a bit, but that has pretty much stopped as of last fall. I understand she got into a relationship and was stuck on that for awhile, but I felt like I was pushed aside, as I do with a lot of my family members. Maybe it's part of being the middle child (there's 4 of us, but I still consider myself to be in the middle). Maybe because there is so much drama that it's pulling me down because I don't want to be in the middle of it, and I just really want to get along with all of my family members, even if they don't get along with each other. I love my family, even those that don't particularly care for me. I feel like some want me to choose a side, and I just can't do that when I have no problems with anyone to begin with.

Then there's the friend thing... I don't really have any. Being part of a mommy board at one point, I thought I had good friends, and then drama was created there and I backed away from it all and lost all the friends I once had on it all together. Now, I'm all alone. I don't go and hang out with anyone, and I certainly don't feel wanted by anyone either. It's been bugging me for a few months now... wishing I had some friends to relate to, to talk to, or just to have support from. I have a friend or two but it's not really the same. Makes me think back and wonder what if I would have just been "Switzerland" like Bella considered herself in the Twilight series in the book "Eclipse". Would I have been able to keep those friends? Were they even true to begin with? Was it all my fault? It's times like these where I wish I could just move away and start all over again with the whole friendship process. I have tried finding other mommy groups so that my kids have interaction as well but they just aren't around, and the ones that are, have the people that I am no longer friends with as a part of their group as well. I just can't win.

Right now, I'm just thankful for my family here in my household. They always put a smile on my face even if they do sometimes stress me out.

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